Sunday, 21 May 2017


You didnt ask when do I want to go back,
you didnt reconfirm when will my paper start,
you didnt ask anything for this past few days.

I asked you,
I. Faking. Asked. You.
Whether I shud go now.
What did you reply me?
I dont even know whatever I did to you for a few while back.
What I know you were mad at him.
Why the hell was I the one who get that?

I tried to cool myself down.
I have pride.
I promised myself before.
I cheered myself back.
Because no one was able to do that to me.


Whatever you were thinking of,
I wanted to go because I want to fvking study.
I cant even study now.
I started to read,
and here I am,
not able to fvking focus.

And hey,
look at this girl,
she can send you a cheerful message.
What a good girl.

Who do I want to talk about this to?
Not to them.
Not to anyone.
It will sound like I'm talking bad on you.

Hey look,
what a good girl I am.

Lets just hope I wont do anything bad.
I want to show it.
But my sane self says no.

Saturday, 12 November 2016

i dont know

They said,
"You'll know who's your friend when you're going on bad days"
I was,
not disbelieved, not that I believe it too,
but I was just placing myself as the "friends",
thinking "Have I did good things?"
Because never has it come to my mind I will have a bad day,
welp, other than those days.

I dont want to remember what happened,
but I still remember,

I was calm,
I could make myself calm,
I was able to make plans on how to survive,
I thought of some people.

Although at first, I thought I dont want to tell anyone,
but it did come to my mind,
"I should tell my friends. I should rely on them."

So I told, let's say, A.
What happened?
She was shocked,
or maybe she wanted to laugh.
I told her everything.
I asked her to come with me.
She said okay.

I asked the other person, let's say, B, to lend me hers,
so that I can call father.

I went out.
I called.
I told.
I was cut off.
I didnt get good answer,
only got that I can retrieve it back, but not everything.

I was cut off.
I was cut off.
I was cut off.

I swear I could not talk to him properly after that.
I swear I wont tell any of my problems anymore.

Anyway, he intervened us yesterday,
apparently I got mad.
Because I dont need any help when the problem has already solved,
and it was solved not because of him.
Ha ha.

Then, A appeared.
She said,
"I told them"
Why would I fking tell you if I can tell them?
And where's her sorry?
She laughed.
She said "Stupid" and I dont even know what she meant.

**I know she was feeling guilt though.
The next day she only looked at me when we passed by,
and why was I the one who greet her first unlike usual?
Anyway, I dont know what happened to our promise,
that she would come with me.
She didnt contact me.
welp she couldnt though,
but I'm pretty sure she didnt try any other initiative.**

So when I went back to class,
they have this expression,
*pity + funny*,
which, either of the both are not what I like.
I dont need pity,
I need help.
And that was not fking funny at all.
In the end, I could not talk to them about the problem properly.
Well, I did, after everything solved.

Oh I told someone too.
She laughed too.
I said,
"Dont laugh! Welp, it's done already so it's okay to laugh."
Nah, it wasnt.
It hurts actually.
It's not funny.

Lately my mood is abnormal.
I was happy,
few moments later I was mad.
Maybe because I feel like there are too many fakers.
Or maybe because I'm fighting with myself.