Monday, 23 April 2018

Numb

I probably am (one of the) loneliest person.
"Probably" because I dont feel it.

Everyone's been either went home or had call with their parents once or twice in this month.
Check the call and message history, there's nothing other than daily wake up message or monthly deposited money.
There's a group of friends, but not necessarily that one friend.
And all of them have the same status or distance.
Not to mention 22 years without s.o,
and having the 'person to be called as someone you like',
rather, it's just 'someone to be paid attention to'.
No special feelings like their happy faces when having conversation with their loved ones.

Not that I'm being ungrateful.
Not even complaining.
Just wondering,
am I really lonely?

Wednesday, 28 March 2018

idk

"Kera sumbang"
"Tak boleh jadi pengawas"
"Malas"
"Orang suruh dia buat, dia suruh orang lain"
"Sombong"
"Tak ikhlas"
"Senyum la sikit"
"Tak peramah"
"Tengok dia tegur xxx pun nampak sombong"
"xxx lagi rajin"
"xxx pandai buat ni"
"Kau apa pandai?"
"Kalau tak suka duduk sini, balik je lah"
"Kalau nak buat kerja, buat apa balik?"
"Tengok muka pun tau melawan"
"Kenapa muka mcm tu?"
"Dengar cara dia cakap pun..."

How do you expect me to feel grateful?
How do you expect me to have confidence?
How do you expect me to be friendly?
I tried everything.
Almost my whole high school life I aimed to be one.
I tried to be different when everyone else acts the same.
I showed my face when everyone been lazying around.
I tried to be happy although things were going on in my head.
I tried not to complain when my schoolwork overlapped.
I tried not to complain when Im sick.
I tried to surpress my rebellious age when everyone was showing it off.
I tried to be silent so you wont see my flaws.
Call it fake,
you know what I was trying to do.
But I've never heard the positives when I've heard them about the others.
And I heard the negatives right in front of my face.
Where did I do wrong?
Why cant I get them?
Why I keep on getting them?
I focused my whole life on those,
and here I am getting lost.
And where is everybody?
Where are those who I should be calling the so-called brothers,
who I should be doing things for them because they are my brothers?
Where is the supportive man that everyone has?
Where are the ones who I once claimed to be closest?
No one backed me up.
They silenced.
Not even looked at me.
Since those times, I ran away.
I ran to the people who hear me,
just to laugh everything off,
to forget.

Call it rebellious age,
am probably late,
but since it's late, it's maybe going to be more dangerous.
But from now on, I'll do what I want.
Try it, but I wont stop.
If you're in the end going to blame someone,
you know who to blame.