Entry

It's been awhile.

But today was internally hard and I've been thinking about this for so long so might as well just reveal it.

I'm fifth out of six and since three years ago I've seen four cases in total.

Honestly I've never seen them as my family other than my sister,

saying "my brother" is just a figure of speech to label our blood.

And ever since they legally got out of the house I tried to wear the new glasses of "family",

to see which part is it normal to view them as family.

But no.

The only part is probably the "responsibility" that THEY thought they fulfilled which is when coming (going) back home.

But no they dont actually fulfilled that.

The promise they made before leaving to come back every two weeks were just a fake promise.

The phrase "let me know when you need anything" is just a phrase.

What's with the going somewhere together among them without telling our parents.

What's with being annoyed when our parents found out about it.

Why are you acting like a teenager?

Why is it so hard to just tell them you're going to meet each other?

Rather than telling lies that you are sick whatsoever that's why you couldnt go back home?

It's not about me.

I don't have even an ounce of intention of wanting them to help me with my life.

It's been that way since we were kids.

They have no part in my growing up,

especially when I was in my sensitive phase as a teenager.

I still hold it in me when you walked 2 meters away from me when we walked home.

We had one year being at the school together but it never feels that way.

If I have to label it it feels like they are other people's cousins to me.

We are family in name but I talk to them like when I'm being friendly to strangers.

I don't give a fuck about them.

The problem is about our parents.

Why do you treat them this way?

Why do you lie to them just for you to go somewhere?

It's not as if they ask you to bring them with you.

Mother even said, "I'm more disappointed because he lied to me. I don't mind if they tell me or not, because I know how it feels like,"

You, the sons who were brought up differently than us daughters.

You who never noticed how annoying it is when you come to the house because you have never worked in the kitchen until you got married, or maybe now still.

You who are being treated differently than our sister who got criticised because she has a different family, different house now, when she's not the only one in this case.

You who are still being treated affectionately even after getting caught lying to them.

And now you're doing it again.

Pretending to be sick, not replying, whatsoever

when both of the parents kept asking and wondering whether you will come or not.

I hate them.

I really do.

drama 1

Once there was a drama.

Partly I was the one who incited.

But bcs it was incitation I guess they wouldn't think so.

They would think it's all theirs.

Which doesnt make me to have to think about what I did.

But the funny part is

I wasn't supposed to know it.

I told one person A that they should do something.

Just bcs that person B was getting on my nerves for their endless perverted brain.

I thought it was just that.

I forgot the other case.

And that the case was more personal than the one I was thinking.

The drama went to the point the person C threw a drink or something.

And person D went out of the way to prepare a weapon.

It didnt get into a conclusion because person B was a very thicked skin,

but it finished to the point person B disappeared probably because too ashamed,

although they still appeared to some of us once in awhile at the time.

Which thats what gotten me realized.

How unimportant I was.

About 2 years later I got into contact with person B.

Somehow the conversation went to that because I still hated how their brain worked.

They still had the victim mentality.

That somehow their brain reframed it to how everyone made them the bad guy when they did nothing wrong...

in the relationship.

"Ah so you were thinking it was all about the relationship??"

was what I initially thought.

How I was so frustrated bcs they didn't get what I was trying to talk, which was about their perverted brain.

But then I realized,

no, what if the whole discussion 2 years ago was really about the relationship...?

And the issue I was getting forever was just a side thing just to make person B more guilty.

Considering C and D were also having the neverending drama between them behind everyone's back.

And that somehow B was the person who saw everything.

And then I recalled the image of everyone,

whether or not they were involved.

How this and that persons have been backing up B.

More than "I dont want to get involved", more like "whyre you getting so worked up over this?"

All these drama and everyone acted up like there was nothing.

Did they not know? Or have they been knowing but pretended like nothing ever happened?

How everything was superficial.

What more with person A who have been knowing most of me just left for another person,

I mean I know I was the one who kept myself,

but I don't want to gatekeep myself anymore.

And then right about the time I finished everything,

I learned of another drama.

I never knew of these drama,

I learned from person A too.

Even so, even if I try to treasure how they make myself feel treasured,

I guess in the end you cant turn back time.

In the end it's all superficial.