hello there

I was scared.
Scared.
Scared?
What is scared?
I guess scared, like more to insecure?

People say that girls are loyal,
mostly in context of love, though.
But what I learnt from experience is that they are not in the context of friendship.
They'll put every effort, if not for love, other things (ie studies, works, etc)

Unconsciously, I turned myself from being a person who likes to be with her friends,
to someone who has zero trust on them.
I really did think that I should be with them,
I know the suffer when I was all by myself,
but they don't have that thinking,
thus, forgot about me.
Especially after I was conscious of my lack of presence,
thank you very much, friends.

"When you're walking to adulthood, friends are just friends. Everyone will go to their own path."
I hate that,
I hate the fact.
I hate the fact that I cannot deny it.
And what would happen if some of them are late bloomers?
It maybe not like "they should learn to be independent themselves",
but, you know, late bloomers?
They just.... late bloomers.
Whatever. This thing can be debatable more.

Anyway, he asked me just now,
"Have you promised to any of your friends to be in same room?"
I feel like...
"I dont have friends."
"Why's that? You didnt ask anyone?"
"They promised by themselves."
"You got 4 people to fill."
"They've got enough."
"Why didnt you ask first?"
"They've already made before I even asked."
"Why didnt you ask?"
Ugh this is frustrating.

Thus my healed wound opened again and my memory came back.
Where did I do wrong?
Nothing.
Maybe I did nothing that it is wrong.
I dont know. I'm not ESPer.
I dont know what they think of me when I become someone who likes to tag along.
I dont know what they think of me when I become someone who refuses to invitations.
I dont know.

Even now, they rarely respond to me.
Even when I said I'm lonely, no one to talk to,
they didnt respond me.
Maybe I really get rejected because of my clinginess.
I dont know.
I give up.