It's been mentally tough weeks for me recently,
for like, one to two weeks.
Why?
I was in a tight schedule,
it was my fault for accepting job lol
but, I've said this to so many people,
I need someone to talk to when I'm busy,
because when I'm busy, I tend to think too many stuff,
and when there's no one to make me forget about the stuff,
stress builds up,
eventually I wont be working on my works lol
And since I was stressed out,
my mind worked negatively.
I saw everything negative.
And I saw truth.
I saw fakers.
I saw betrayers.
Well at least it wasnt as bad as the things happened on my last sem of CFS.
The one I was close with,
I thought she was a sister to me,
but I'm not as important to her as I think of her.
It's maybe partly my fault that I dont seem like a person to talk to.
Or maybe it's because she's starting to see me as that guy she hated.
Like, look:
A person: I posted there and no one commented
Me: I'm glad I didnt post mine at the group lol
She: Just post it.
She didnt say much,
but I know what she was thinking.
And apparently, some days later:
She: Hey. I'm... I'm...
Me: Wud
She: I finally understood why you didnt want to post at the group
Me: What, did you think I was being picky, didnt want to post there?
She: Yeah
I was like,
1) lol serve you right
2) wait what, you really did think about me like that?
and wait, I discovered it myself, not from you directly said that,
and wait, where's your sorry?
I'm your "sister", you thought badly of me, didnt say anything to me (and who knows if you ever said something about me to others), and "Yeah, I thought you were acting btch" wdf?
but since I was in my dark mood he was being so sassy and pervert I wanted to kill him.
And also this overly optimistic guy,
who thought my "I'll leave" was a joke
df with "kekeke" it's not funny btch
Who else?
And they were talking about their roles
at the wrong group.
I know I was just being ill-hearted but
FK OFF GO TALK THINGS AT THE RIGHT PLACE
It happens for 1-2 days,
then I was okay,
but things happened again,
it was like,
I was cured from an injury,
then I hurt myself at the same place as the cured injury.
"You're hating them now?"
Yeah, like some months ago I was happily talk about them,
now I talk bad about them.
Thus I realized,
I should not get too close to some people/group or I'll start seeing flaws (or start getting my hopes up and youknowwhathappennext).
Well aside from this group of people, I can also say about that group too.
Nothing much,
but they dont seem to remember about me if they wanted to go here and there.
That's partly my fault for not being here on weekends, and dont eat, and dont like to be outside for too long,
but,
you know?
Looking at their pictures, ..... ~
And so, I've been walking by myself-
I mean, I've been doing that for some times but
I've been walking while thinking things.
I've always had in mind that I want to live for other people,
since I have nothing much about me.
But if no one relies on me,
......
what am I doing?
And there's also me being possessive.
And also my phone.
My Whatsapp.
Apparently everything has gone.
But wait.
It feels like...
Is this how He shows me that he's not the one for me?
If it is, alhamdulillah.
tbh, I'm feeling better after that.
They also started to worry about me.
Kinda feels nice, I'm a sadist afterall.
Someone called me right after I finished the things happened in my phone.
She also pm-ed me before.
Also feels nice to have someone actually think of me.
Another someone also pm-ed me,
but since I'm a sadist,
it feels nice to ignore her.
After the class,
after I finished his request,
"Oh, wait. Sit down."
"What?"
"What happened last week? Why did you act like that? Anything happened?"
lol did not expect that,
did not want to talk about that,
I actually had forgotten lol
But we had some talk,
Also,
feels nice.
While I was in the mode,
I found a picture in Instagram,
saying something like,
Allah gave us the hardship, illness; physically, mentally, (etc, I dont remember),
there must be reason behind it.
Maybe He wants to show us something, cleanse us from our sin,...
(Okay I'm sorry I'm terrible at this)
I'm a bit okay now,
I guess,
insyaAllah.
It might come again,
but I'll just have to deal with it.
Not deal like doing nothing, but,...
Anyway, I should distance myself so that no one will get hurt by me,
again.
I'm sorry TT-TT
****
Actually I dont really remember what happened,
what I know, I'm having the almost-same phase as what happened in CFS;
depression.
Thus my writings, my format, are so all over the place,
I dont know which situation goes first.
Well.
Whatever.
:P
