Saturday 29 December 2018

Hey

Hey you.
Yes you.

Remember your dark days?
Remember the starting days?
Remember the reasons why?

You've been hiding it with your joy.
You've been hiding it by blaming others.
You've been hiding it by pretending you're on the good side.

You think you were fun?
You think by going silent everyone remembers you?
You think someone would ever worried of you?

No.
No one talked about you.
No one remembered you.
They've been talking about one thing you actually good at,
but you're like a non-existent.

You're anxious when hearing they were close.
You think someone would peek on you.
No.
You're a non-existent.

Remember one day in a certain class?
You thought people who's been committing such open crime were those who have less presence
and you thought you could probably be one.
That would be right.

Even if you die right now no one would know.

Sunday 11 November 2018

Fake

The same day,
few weeks ago.
Call me full of vengeance.
I dont want to feel it anymore.
The night the tears came back down again,
after few weeks of experiencing bright moments.
It wasnt easy for me to open up,
and there you wasted it.

What is fake?
What's the meaning of fake friends?
That thing you talked about in class?

You occassionally invite your friends.
You occassionally leave your friends.
What do you take it for?
What's your philosophy?
Self-satisfaction?
Doesnt that mean you dont really think about your friends?

I'm not going to face the possibility.
No more.
I'm too conscious of people.
It's too hard for me.
I'd rather walk alone than betting whether you would think of me or not.
No.

Saturday 27 October 2018

We're similar.

No.
You're not least similar.
You're a coward.
Finds running away is the best choice.
Look at what happened at you in just few years.
Being coward,
running away,
thought by running away, you're the coolest person on Earth.
People could solve their problem in just one year,
you took more than 3 years to realize.
And you say you're similar.
They are probably similar in term of external personality.
But they're brave.
Brave enough to face their problems head on.
And you?
Believing that you were right,
that you were the victim,
hiding behind the self-claims,
hiding behind that so-called lone ninja,
claiming these people were better,
those people shouldnt be in your reach,
and when problems come,
you start to reconsider your judgment.
How weak.
You're not least similar to them.
You're a coward,
much coward than the cowards.
Tries to compare yourself with others
who actually much better,
while silently down-grading them.

Friday 28 September 2018

Docchi?

"So remember, friends, do not live for the sake of your partner"

Even if I keep on repeating that,
it still needs to be referred to the past.
How he was supposed to back her up,
but he left her.
Though that was just one-sided story.
Even so,
he didnt bother to share.
Whatever was happening, the story should be share.
And thats what happened in history.
So we here,
should we listen and believe in the one-sided story?
Yes, I believe so.

Anyhow,
thats about that.
And what happened had affected her inner self.
And what is happening now is that
she's affecting us.
I'd call it emotional abuse.
And I cant even say what's good and what's bad.

Me doing this,
is good for myself, and for everyone,
for the future.
But for the present,
in the view of Islam itself,
it's probably not.
But is it?

Do I have to save myself?
Do I have to save her?
Do I have to save them?
The more I ask these, the more messed up my personality is.
And that was what happened for the past months,
getting worse for the past few years.

Saturday 30 June 2018

I promised myself to shut up but--

The more I think about it,
this is definitely what they meant.
How people view us differently,
not in a unique way,
but in a weird way.

You probably think we're fine,
that we don't judge people from the differences,
but truth is, we are.
You are.

The moment you're different,
they mad at you.
The moment you're depressed,
they mad at you.
The moment your switch flipped,
they mad at you.
The moment you're thinking negatively,
they mad at you.

Why?
I dont know.
Probably because they dont know how it feels like.

It's not something that can be changed easily.
It's not something that can be repaired just by you telling "It's so freaking wrong to act that way".
It's deeper than that.
And it doesnt need to have a reason,
or a background story.
If it happens, then it happens.
The least you can do is to support.
And did you?
No, you ignored.
Why?
Because you think I'm normal,
like you.

Tuesday 26 June 2018

World

Those who follow the rules could be stressed out of being chained.
Those who are always confident could actually be insecured and have low self-esteem.
Those who appear strong could be hiding their weaknesses because they dont want others to know they are weak.
Those who keep on insisting they are somebody could be having identity crisis.
Those who keep on talking about their own weaknesses could be actually wanting to hear positive words.

These "could"s what make the common sense,
what make people to act accordingly towards each other,
what make "People have their own problems.
Just because you have it, doesnt mean you have to act that way".

And these "could"s can also make people who actually really need help
to think their problems are nothing,
and eventually never seek for help.

Monday 23 April 2018

Numb

I probably am (one of the) loneliest person.
"Probably" because I dont feel it.

Everyone's been either went home or had call with their parents once or twice in this month.
Check the call and message history, there's nothing other than daily wake up message or monthly deposited money.
There's a group of friends, but not necessarily that one friend.
And all of them have the same status or distance.
Not to mention 22 years without s.o,
and having the 'person to be called as someone you like',
rather, it's just 'someone to be paid attention to'.
No special feelings like their happy faces when having conversation with their loved ones.

Not that I'm being ungrateful.
Not even complaining.
Just wondering,
am I really lonely?

Wednesday 28 March 2018

idk

"Kera sumbang"
"Tak boleh jadi pengawas"
"Malas"
"Orang suruh dia buat, dia suruh orang lain"
"Sombong"
"Tak ikhlas"
"Senyum la sikit"
"Tak peramah"
"Tengok dia tegur xxx pun nampak sombong"
"xxx lagi rajin"
"xxx pandai buat ni"
"Kau apa pandai?"
"Kalau tak suka duduk sini, balik je lah"
"Kalau nak buat kerja, buat apa balik?"
"Tengok muka pun tau melawan"
"Kenapa muka mcm tu?"
"Dengar cara dia cakap pun..."

How do you expect me to feel grateful?
How do you expect me to have confidence?
How do you expect me to be friendly?
I tried everything.
Almost my whole high school life I aimed to be one.
I tried to be different when everyone else acts the same.
I showed my face when everyone been lazying around.
I tried to be happy although things were going on in my head.
I tried not to complain when my schoolwork overlapped.
I tried not to complain when Im sick.
I tried to surpress my rebellious age when everyone was showing it off.
I tried to be silent so you wont see my flaws.
Call it fake,
you know what I was trying to do.
But I've never heard the positives when I've heard them about the others.
And I heard the negatives right in front of my face.
Where did I do wrong?
Why cant I get them?
Why I keep on getting them?
I focused my whole life on those,
and here I am getting lost.
And where is everybody?
Where are those who I should be calling the so-called brothers,
who I should be doing things for them because they are my brothers?
Where is the supportive man that everyone has?
Where are the ones who I once claimed to be closest?
No one backed me up.
They silenced.
Not even looked at me.
Since those times, I ran away.
I ran to the people who hear me,
just to laugh everything off,
to forget.

Call it rebellious age,
am probably late,
but since it's late, it's maybe going to be more dangerous.
But from now on, I'll do what I want.
Try it, but I wont stop.
If you're in the end going to blame someone,
you know who to blame.

Sunday 4 March 2018

Truth

The imagination that I cant grasp...
I wonder whether it will become my reality
or be in my reality first.

I've been having it since 16.
Maybe before.
But I seem like couldnt grasp on it.
I dont know what's the reason.
Is it education?
Is it background?
Is it anxiety?
Is it society?
Is it personally?

I didnt want to admit.
But sometimes later it gets me wondered.
I no longer feel anything.
But I know I want it.

Before I know it,
I feel like it's forbidden for me to say it out loud.
No one gets it.
No one gets what I feel.
No one gets how I feel.

They tease.
They laugh.
They view it low.
But what do I do?
It really is in me.
I denied,
but it really is there.

Stop questioning my background.
Dont blame anyone.

Tuesday 27 February 2018

Parallelism

Ever since the transfer, I left my schedule.
I forgot how to enjoy myself.
I forgot when to do work.

I was too frustrated,
I was too anxious.

Because of the lack of things.
Because of the least familiar people.

I didnt do things.
I did things when they did them.
I wasted my free time.

Now that I start to realize,
Now that I want to restart like how i used to be,

I want to go back,
go back to my old self.

The time wont be returned,
the transfer wont be cancelled,
the people wont be beside me,
I cant become my old self,

But life goes on.
The world keeps moving.
The technologies get modern.

I just need to remember.

And moving on isnt always good.

Tuesday 20 February 2018

You tell me

Getting thrown away the paper you gave in front of your face.
Silent treatment to your child self because of denying the curfew rule.
Was not allowed to argue even for one to two sentences when they did it for many times in front of the kids.

You tell me what adult is.
You tell me what fairness is.