i dont know

They said,
"You'll know who's your friend when you're going on bad days"
I was,
not disbelieved, not that I believe it too,
but I was just placing myself as the "friends",
thinking "Have I did good things?"
Because never has it come to my mind I will have a bad day,
welp, other than those days.

I dont want to remember what happened,
but I still remember,

I was calm,
I could make myself calm,
I was able to make plans on how to survive,
I thought of some people.

Although at first, I thought I dont want to tell anyone,
but it did come to my mind,
"I should tell my friends. I should rely on them."

So I told, let's say, A.
What happened?
She was shocked,
or maybe she wanted to laugh.
I told her everything.
I asked her to come with me.
She said okay.

I asked the other person, let's say, B, to lend me hers,
so that I can call father.

I went out.
I called.
I told.
I was cut off.
I didnt get good answer,
only got that I can retrieve it back, but not everything.
Seriously,

I was cut off.
I was cut off.
I was cut off.

I swear I could not talk to him properly after that.
I swear I wont tell any of my problems anymore.

Anyway, he intervened us yesterday,
apparently I got mad.
Because I dont need any help when the problem has already solved,
and it was solved not because of him.
Ha ha.

Then, A appeared.
She said,
"I told them"
Fk.
Why would I fking tell you if I can tell them?
And where's her sorry?
She laughed.
She said "Stupid" and I dont even know what she meant.

**I know she was feeling guilt though.
The next day she only looked at me when we passed by,
and why was I the one who greet her first unlike usual?
Anyway, I dont know what happened to our promise,
that she would come with me.
She didnt contact me.
welp she couldnt though,
but I'm pretty sure she didnt try any other initiative.**

So when I went back to class,
they have this expression,
*pity + funny*,
which, either of the both are not what I like.
I dont need pity,
I need help.
And that was not fking funny at all.
In the end, I could not talk to them about the problem properly.
Well, I did, after everything solved.

Oh I told someone too.
She laughed too.
I said,
"Dont laugh! Welp, it's done already so it's okay to laugh."
Nah, it wasnt.
It hurts actually.
It's not funny.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lately my mood is abnormal.
I was happy,
few moments later I was mad.
Maybe because I feel like there are too many fakers.
Or maybe because I'm fighting with myself.

take a deep breath

Okay here I come~

It's been mentally tough weeks for me recently,
for like, one to two weeks.
Why?

Iwasheartbroken
I was in a tight schedule,
it was my fault for accepting job lol
but, I've said this to so many people,
I need someone to talk to when I'm busy,
because when I'm busy, I tend to think too many stuff,
and when there's no one to make me forget about the stuff,
stress builds up,
eventually I wont be working on my works lol

And since I was stressed out,
my mind worked negatively.
I saw everything negative.
And I saw truth.
I saw fakers.
I saw betrayers.
Well at least it wasnt as bad as the things happened on my last sem of CFS.

The one I was close with,
I thought she was a sister to me,
but I'm not as important to her as I think of her.
It's maybe partly my fault that I dont seem like a person to talk to.
Or maybe it's because she's starting to see me as that guy she hated.
Like, look:

A person: I posted there and no one commented
Me: I'm glad I didnt post mine at the group lol
She: Just post it.

She didnt say much,
but I know what she was thinking.
And apparently, some days later:

She: Hey. I'm... I'm...
Me: Wud
She: I finally understood why you didnt want to post at the group
Me: What, did you think I was being picky, didnt want to post there?
She: Yeah

I was like,
1) lol serve you right

2) wait what, you really did think about me like that?
and wait, I discovered it myself, not from you directly said that,
and wait, where's your sorry?
I'm your "sister", you thought badly of me, didnt say anything to me (and who knows if you ever said something about me to others), and "Yeah, I thought you were acting btch" wdf?

andthere'saboutmyheartbrokenthing
df,youmentionedyourexandmynameinonesentence andsay "areyoublushing?"
omggodie

and also this person... wait I dont remember what he did to me
but since I was in my dark mood he was being so sassy and pervert I wanted to kill him.

And also this overly optimistic guy,
who thought my "I'll leave" was a joke
df with "kekeke" it's not funny btch

Who else?

And they were talking about their roles
at the wrong group.
I know I was just being ill-hearted but
FK OFF GO TALK THINGS AT THE RIGHT PLACE

It happens for 1-2 days,
then I was okay,
but things happened again,
it was like,
I was cured from an injury,
then I hurt myself at the same place as the cured injury.

"You're hating them now?"
Yeah, like some months ago I was happily talk about them,
now I talk bad about them.

Thus I realized,
I should not get too close to some people/group or I'll start seeing flaws (or start getting my hopes up and youknowwhathappennext).

Well aside from this group of people, I can also say about that group too.

Nothing much,
but they dont seem to remember about me if they wanted to go here and there.
That's partly my fault for not being here on weekends, and dont eat, and dont like to be outside for too long,
but,
you know?
Looking at their pictures, ..... ~

And so, I've been walking by myself-
I mean, I've been doing that for some times but
I've been walking while thinking things.

I've always had in mind that I want to live for other people,
since I have nothing much about me.
But if no one relies on me,
......
what am I doing?

And there's also me being possessive.

And also my phone.
My Whatsapp.
Apparently everything has gone.
But wait.
It feels like...
Is this how He shows me that he's not the one for me?
If it is, alhamdulillah.
tbh, I'm feeling better after that.

They also started to worry about me.
Kinda feels nice, I'm a sadist afterall.

Someone called me right after I finished the things happened in my phone.
She also pm-ed me before.
Also feels nice to have someone actually think of me.

Another someone also pm-ed me,
but since I'm a sadist,
it feels nice to ignore her.

After the class, sensei senpai asked me a favor,
after I finished his request,
"Oh, wait. Sit down."
"What?"
"What happened last week? Why did you act like that? Anything happened?"
lol did not expect that,
did not want to talk about that,
I actually had forgotten lol
But we had some talk,
Also,
feels nice.

While I was in the mode,
I found a picture in Instagram,
saying something like,
Allah gave us the hardship, illness; physically, mentally, (etc, I dont remember),
there must be reason behind it.
Maybe He wants to show us something, cleanse us from our sin,...
(Okay I'm sorry I'm terrible at this)

I'm a bit okay now,
I guess,
insyaAllah.
It might come again,
but I'll just have to deal with it.
Not deal like doing nothing, but,...
Anyway, I should distance myself so that no one will get hurt by me,
again.
I'm sorry TT-TT


****
Actually I dont really remember what happened,
what I know, I'm having the almost-same phase as what happened in CFS;
depression.
Thus my writings, my format, are so all over the place,
I dont know which situation goes first.
Well.
Whatever.
:P

fiction

"Nak tanya boleh tak? Serious nak tanya je. Sbb saya suka nak tau apa orang fikir."
"Apa dia?"
"Kenapa color kan rambut?"
"...."
"Serious nak tanya je. Kalau awak tak nak saya bagi tau orang lain, saya janji saya tak bagitau."
"Takpe la, kalau nak bagitau , bagitau je la. Saya color kan sbb (blablabla I dont know)"
"Oooo.. gitu eh.. Free hair ke?"
"Ya/Tak"
"Oh.. Sebab ada orang saya kenal pun free hair walaupun dia UIA. Siap malam gi club lagi. Tapi dia ok je, baik orangnya."
"..... Nak tanya boleh?"
"Ya?"
"Awak takde rasa mcm nk tegur dia ke... mcm, tegur~"
"Tah, saya boleh je nak tegur ke, nasihat ke, tarbiyyah ke apa, kalau dia nak. Kalau orang yg jenis tak suka kena tegur, suka nk buat apa dia suka ke, saya biar je. Saya pun kadang kadang tak suka kena tegur, haha."
"oo.."
"So kalau awak mcm nak saya tolong ke apa, cakap la ^u^ Saya ada je dkt sini~"
" :) "

my way

I lost it again.

And when will this ever stop?

Not until I can actually say it.

Say it to someone.

But will there be someone?

Pointing fingers

Responsible person for my androphobia:

1: That guy above me. Although it's 4 years difference, directly above me, he disappeared from my teenage memories.

2: Welp, that guy above the guy above me..? He also disappeared.

3: The supreme guy lol. Why is he acting awkwardly towards his children? Dont blame me being like this.

4: Eh~ Maybe the supreme lady, eh? She never tried to connect us. Why do you think I can say reasonably, "They never even acted like my brothers, so why?"

Eh~ Who else?

"If I Were a Boy"

I can have a carefree life.
I can go wherever, whenever I want.
I dont have to be this coward.
Because to begin with, I can go anywhere.
No restriction.
Thus more social.

I dont have to have these feelings of lazy and envy.
"Why me?" "Why not them?"
Because there will be no "only me" to begin with.
I can wake up any time I want.
I can do anything, to be exact, nothing.
Just to come out to go out.
I can be lazy all I want,
or if I even dont want to, it's not bad to help out, anyway.

Because I cant see things any better than being a man.

"What is love?"

I know, I know, it sounded too funny for me to talk about this.
But it finally came to my senses.
Before this, I pretended to become an ignorant.
People had crush(es), I had too.
Well, I was young back then (not that I'm old now).
I did feel the crush feelings,
like the butterflies in my gut thingy.
And some times later, as I know some friends with good resolutions,
I felt like the crush thingy is somehow a waste of time.
Then I indulged myself in imagination world
Time flies, I really did feel nothing anymore.
Now, I got involved with more people who talk about love so much,
and, yeah, this is how it becomes a question to me.

Love.
What is love, actually?
Feeling?
How do you confirm that it's love?
Like, if the feeling happy,
you know you're happy when you smile,
when you feel good inside your heart.
Or, sad.
You know you're sad when you cry,
when you feel something wrong inside your heart.
And love?
What do you feel?

THEORY 1
When I asked around,
and also before I questioned myself about this,
people always relate love with love your parents, God, His Prophet...
Yes, of course.
But parents are the people who gave birth to you, raised you,
of course you love them,
you have to.

Also,
what if there are people who doesnt love their parents that much?

And God?
Like, obviously!
He who creates us, gives us sustains and such.
It is He who makes our life as easy as right now.
What're you expecting?
Of course our love goes to Him.
And it's similar to the love for Prophet.
Parents, God, His Prophet
are... the ones(?) that affect our life.
They are the spotlight of our life.
There are no other then them.

And love for your friends?
You see the "-s"?
It means plural.
Means that whoever you can call friends deserve your love.
And it's plural.

So what I'm trying to say here is,
love to the opposite gender.
And when I say opposite gender,
it means the significant other.
You cant give your love to significant other-s.
I mean, maybe you can but let's just leave that as it is.
It's like, you have to choose one.

And there.
How do you choose one?
Like, some people may say falling in love.

And there.
How do you fall in love?
Face? Style?
Like, duh, of course *rolling eyes*
And if that philosophy really is happening, then the uglies are left alone until they rot.

How they talk? How they become the center of attention?
Then the silences will also rottenly left alone.

THEORY 2
They said when you tend to forgive that person, that is love.
So, like, are you saying love makes a person... weak?
No, I mean, I know being a forgiving person makes you strong.
But doesnt it like,
when you tend to always forgive, then the other person will never change.
And then it can also be said that love does not change people,
does not make a person learns a lesson.

And about forgiving.
Give up can be considered as forgiveness, am I right?
But what if I say,
give up can be meant you stop hoping?
Then is that love?
You argue, and the other person doesnt want to admit defeat,
so you just give up,
because you feel like it's hopeless.
Well, I dont think that is love, though.

***
Okay, anyway!
It seems not all people can understand me,
because it is me who does not understand.
I questioned a friend after she explained,
and she gave up because she didnt know what to answer.

So yeah,
let's just leave it to the fate of Allah,
and when the time comes,
maybe I can find the answer.

Confession?

How long did you think I was fighting this?
Trying hard to believe what they say; I'm bright
Trying hard to persuade into thinking myself as one.
Maybe I was, I don't know.
And because of that, I live my life happy-go-lucky at my early teenage years.

Though however I started to wonder myself during the second half of my teenage years.
Though however, I still was trying to confide myself as one,
until I found more bright people, and also the genius ones.
Though however, that was when I was in my final year.
It was too late.
And I gave up.

And there goes my result.

And there goes how I realized my stupidity.
I'm not sure if I really am,
however people around me make me think like that.
I was kept 'inside' for that,
I was told to lie,
I was told to be quiet,
I was told that I was a failure.

Do you know how much I was fighting my own self, other than from people around me?

Being rejected is like being stupid.
Being a second batch is like being stupid.
Being accepted from asking help is like being stupid.

I live myself in horror during my first sem,
really.
I was really, truly glad having new friends there, however.
This is true,
there is nothing more important in my memory during those days other than having them as my friends.

I got excited when it was time to change course.
It was like one of the events in my life when I wanted to do something without think of other people.
I did it myself,
although there was a friend who wanted to leave to,
and because of her, here I am.

I'm currently living happily,
alhamdulillah.
It's true, there are no courses that easy, every course has its own challenges.
But I can hardly see any difficulties to be compared to those horror days.

Well I do actually have more things to talk about
but I dont know how can this post becomes a confession post.
And the mood has already over because of the appearance of a friend from that time.
So let's talk about it again later when the time comes.
Sayonara

No, this is just a fic I altered from a Malay drama

......

The match-makers did their job.
They have planned a party to celebrate their success for this client.
The only thing left is the final touch:
to make the client confesses to this girl.

After some advices they gave to the client,
he finally decides to make his move.

He confesses.
He gives her a present.

However the girl is a smart girl.

She asks:
"How do you know I like this?"

But the guy isn't that smart.

"Some people I trust heard it from you."

"Who are those people?"

After some hesitation, he told her some of the story.

The girl replies to his confess:
"I'm sorry, I don't like the fact that you and your trusted people pry on my privacy.
Do you know, even Islam takes care of its people's privacy? It even said in Al-Quran."

doom

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

PRE

I dont know why but it seems one of the roommate brings in her friends,

and her friends are annoying as hell,

like suddenly they're literally disturbing the other roommate,

I'm not sure where in the world is my roommate, their friend (or maybe she's one of them)

So as they're annoyingly disturbing the other roommate and her room,

and she was quietly getting annoyed,

and they're also annoying me because we are in the same big room.

I dont know where did my bravery came from

but I scold them *especially the fat leader

but since she's annoying so she retorted me back

but since I caught on my bravery I kicked her HAHAHA

and I wore a really scary face that the friends scared and ran away,

except the leader but since I kicked her endlessly, she ran too.

[Some time later I got a message from my roommate (supposedly she doesnt know) says:

"How's my friends? Are they okay?"

I dont know if that was meant to be sarcasm or not, I just ignored =w=" ]

***

So I went to a wedding reception,

supposedly my friend's family member or something,

but I got involved as one of the organizers, as well as my sisters.

Okay, now I dont remember it well,
but [it was like a setting of I as a person who lost some of her memory],
I saw my sister holds hands with a guy,
seemingly her fiancee ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
and a guy came to me,
I dont know why but I just got the feeling ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
We didn't do anything then but it's like we changed meaningful gazes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Nothing much happened then,
I was just look for him ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
and I kept tripping lol

ah~ = w =

oh I forgot to mention it was an afternoon nap's dream

hello there

I was scared.
Scared.
Scared?
What is scared?
I guess scared, like more to insecure?

People say that girls are loyal,
mostly in context of love, though.
But what I learnt from experience is that they are not in the context of friendship.
They'll put every effort, if not for love, other things (ie studies, works, etc)

Unconsciously, I turned myself from being a person who likes to be with her friends,
to someone who has zero trust on them.
I really did think that I should be with them,
I know the suffer when I was all by myself,
but they don't have that thinking,
thus, forgot about me.
Especially after I was conscious of my lack of presence,
thank you very much, friends.

"When you're walking to adulthood, friends are just friends. Everyone will go to their own path."
I hate that,
I hate the fact.
I hate the fact that I cannot deny it.
And what would happen if some of them are late bloomers?
It maybe not like "they should learn to be independent themselves",
but, you know, late bloomers?
They just.... late bloomers.
Whatever. This thing can be debatable more.

Anyway, he asked me just now,
"Have you promised to any of your friends to be in same room?"
I feel like...
"I dont have friends."
"Why's that? You didnt ask anyone?"
"They promised by themselves."
"You got 4 people to fill."
"They've got enough."
"Why didnt you ask first?"
"They've already made before I even asked."
"Why didnt you ask?"
Ugh this is frustrating.

Thus my healed wound opened again and my memory came back.
Where did I do wrong?
Nothing.
Maybe I did nothing that it is wrong.
I dont know. I'm not ESPer.
I dont know what they think of me when I become someone who likes to tag along.
I dont know what they think of me when I become someone who refuses to invitations.
I dont know.

Even now, they rarely respond to me.
Even when I said I'm lonely, no one to talk to,
they didnt respond me.
Maybe I really get rejected because of my clinginess.
I dont know.
I give up.