夢

i feel like writing it while its still fresh in my mind.
for whatever reason, it was a dream of labouring.
the science was definitely weird tho,
and i had no clue how everything happened,
whilst in the middle of the panic, didnt see the person,
though the fun part was that it seems like both of us dont have that much of a chemistry,
but both of us know the responsibility.
its like the thing i was considering of lately.
a relationship that is not based on love or romance,
but there is a mutual loyalty and trust.

ah well thats all i guess?
cant talk about it vividly since its kinda embarrassing,
and it's not that detailed & real anyway

excuses

i mean, i dont know... its always been like that, you preferring the guys more than us.  i mean, i too would probably be treated that way one day, but--

i mean, i too dont prefer their presence, but thats just me having social anxiety.

i mean, she also has her own fault to begin with, with her personality and things, but--

she's a family, you know? it would make a totally different situation if you made it everyone not coming but, to make one comes and the others dont for whatever reason?

and then you made out so many 'scientific' excuses to excuse yourself?

she's probably the only one who has feelings and emotions being expressed.
she's probably the only one who would contact you with no reason.
she's probably the only one who would come to you.

what more, on her sad, difficult days, you didnt even invite her nor to make sure she's okay?

doesnt everything sound so unfair? im at no words to think anymore

Lets write this so I be consistent

Because you are who you are.
Because I've known you for about 4 years.
Because your extroversion character where you always find a new partner makes you forget other things.
Because it's always like that with extroverts.

Yes I guess I'm at fault too for never saying anything.
Well how do you expect you would react if I tell you anyway.
It's your character, there's nothing can be changed.

You said we were mutual,
you would say anything you want and I would say anything I want.
I figured though, I've never told everything to you.
There's no mutual, its all just sweet words.

Then you said I was one of the people you would look for.
Then you went to everywhere else with other people,
and there I was, just doing literally nothing.

And then I thought I should talk to you and depend on you from time to time.
You said okay.
No slightest hint of you were hesitating.
And there's no news after that.

What in the world is "You are my good friend" even means?

What do you expect if things keep on happening for years?
Its so toxic I even get depressed and anxiety attack at nights