Grudge

This is a grudge.
You think you were fine.
You think it was nothing big,
upon having another good meeting and another good laugh.
But when things turn upside down again,
you reflect everything.
Everything you experienced,
everything they did to you,
every nothing they did for you,
every emotion, every affection you sacrificed for them.

Now that everything was killed off,
now that you feel nothing,
you realized that they were the one who get your hopes up
and decide to drop them down altogether
unconsciously.
Because thats how they are.

Thank you for killing my affection.

Its just a series of cycle

Me believing that those who talk to me are good,
Me hating people who betrayed my trust,
Me questioning why everyone did it,
Me hating myself bcs Im the one at fault,
Me questioning why am I still here living.

Why am I like this?
Is it my fault?
Am I the wrong one?
Do I just meet the wrong people all my life?
Am I trusting people too much?
Am I too heavy of a burden?

To The Future Me

You might inherited the fire,
but you also have the water.
You might get angry,
but remember,
as long as you can keep your calm,
as long as you are sane,
as long as you can keep your mouth shut,
as long as you can process where you are, who you are talking to,
as long as you dont say "I dont care, I'm tired so I'm angry",
you'll be fine.

I wish you survive long.
I wish you the very best.
Amin.

To you

One of my closest,
one of whom acknowledge my "honesty",
one that consider that honesty was one that helped you,
one who increased my confidence to make that as my character.

Because of how we knew each other a bit longer and closer than anyone else,
because of how we got to be in-contact when everyone was busy dealing their things,
because of how you described me as "a place" you looked for,
I forgot everything,
I told myself you were a treasure.

Yes, you are still one of my important people.
But you're also one of whom hurt me a lot.
It's probably because of how over-sensitive I am,
but it's probably because of how over-insensitive you are,
and most of all, it's probably because of how I didnt want to act like one for the sake of not burdening you.

How much I told myself not to get attached,
but at the same time how much I told myself I should show my love,
I ended up getting a lot of my hopes up.

As much as I considered I needed you,
as much as I considered we were in things together,
you went off somewhere.
Yes probably because of my incompetence while you're adventerous.
You have dreams,
you have places you want to go.
I told myself to let you fly,
that I shouldnt be the one sealing you,
I mean, who am I, right?

But those what hurt me.

As much I dont want to blame you,
I ended up hurting myself.

The more I think like these,
the more unattached I am,
the more distant I am,
the more I hate everyone,
the more I hate myself.

See, I thought of writing this to sort out my hatred towards you, but I ended up blaming myself again.

Sorry

I'm really sorry to everyone.
If anything happen to me,
especially on my own decision,
I deeply apologize for hurting everyone,
past and present.
I know there are a lot of people that care about me,
I know.
That's why, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I wasnt strong enough.
I'm sorry for being weak.
I'm sorry for not seeking help.
I'm sorry for keeping it to myself.
What happened is not because of anyone,
I'm not going to blame anyone.

Stay safe, live good.

Life Philosophy

Growing up with many people,
observing every behavour,
I learned that avoiding attention saves me.

That belief grew up with me until this day.

Petty

Been reading about how one can be so paranoid towards relationships.
Seclusion,
afraid of being rejected,
afraid of being left alone,
creating walls.
I know I have it.
But I keep forgetting the experiences.
When did I get secluded?
When was I rejected?
Were those really happened?
Was it just me being over-sensitive?

Suddenly it came.
"Yes, this."
When you think about them a lot,
but you're just one of many to them.
You consider your time with them is precious,
they just bailed out on you without further notice.
Not to mention fake promises.

This petty matter to them but important to you,
how hurtful it is.

There was this talk

About how we handle our future plans.
One said they've been achieving their dreams according to their plans.
One said they shouldn't say their plans out loud to achieve them.
While me, I dont really have future plans nor dream.
And it got me thinking.

It had been a dream of mine to own a spacious room,
until I was chased out,
until I realized the feeling of not belong to it.

It was a dream of mine to have a room arranged the way I want,
but it was shattered.

It was arranged that I would go to the medical route for the reason of a kid's word.
I'm not gonna lie I did think about it,
except no one's ever told me what I should be doing.
It was neglected, I rebel against it.
Well, it's fine, I guess?

I tried arranging leaving this cage.
It was only 60% serious,
but I got "Why did you find somewhere so far?"
and I got laugh at.

They keep on saying,
"you decide on it",
but when I say what I want,
it got cut off for whatever lame reasons.

Now, when the steps are getting closer to the threshold,
I'm getting anxiety,
I'm getting lost.

I got out,
looking at people walking,
kids going home,
I question my life.

I'm confused.
Who was it.
When will this end.